Horse Humour!
Sansia FOR SALE
About Sansia
Sansia photos
More Sansia photos
Wallbrook Wilem SOLD
About Wilem
Wilem photos
More pets
Tips and product reviews
Horse humour
Horse book reviews
Not horsey but very very funny! Worth a look. yummy food NOT
Horses view of the world | Horses | Murphy's horse laws | Horse owner's ten commandments | A horsey that bends | Eqine how to | The mare's secret code of honour | If a dog were your teacher | Cat resolutions | You don't really NEED a horse float
Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive
tissues of the mouth.
Bucking: counterirritant
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
Hotwalker: The lesser of two evils.
Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
1. If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.
2. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
3. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
4. The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
5. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
6. Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
7. Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished. Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.
8. If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
9. One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
10. If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes," you will get dirty.
11. You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
12. If a horse is advertised "under 5,000," you can bet he isn't 2,500.
13. The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn.
14. An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.
15. You can't run a barn without baling twine.
16. Hoof picks migrate.
17. Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits.
18. There is no such thing as the "right feed."
19. If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
20. If you're winning, quit.
2. THOU shalt not criticize Thine farrier whilst she/he works lest Ye be able to duck flying horseshoes.
3. THOU shalt not covet Thy neighbors brand new shiny four horse trailer with deluxe dressing room/kitchenette, awnings, pinstriping and matching extended cab dual tank pickup.
4. THOU shalt not take Thine horse's name in vain when making monthly payments on vet bills.
5. THOU shalt vow to fit into and wear last year’s show outfit, despite
the extra pounds and all the latest hot new styles and colors.
6. THOU shalt place all of Thine child's orthodontia before all new saddles.
7. THOU shalt not call Thy horse "Dogfood!" when he disobeyeth Thy commands.
8. THOU shalt not resist the will of Thine Trainer, lest Ye be cast down among the 2nd and 3rd place winners at the next show.
9. THOU shalt feedeth Thine steed the finest alfalfa mix, 12% sweet extruded feed, costly supplements & Thou shalt rejoyceth over the peanut butter & jelly over the next year.
10.THOU shalt vow to grain, hay, water, blanket, groom, trim, braid, wrap, trailer, medicate, bring in, turn out, catch up, muck out, bed down, foal out & ride despite what ever the Heavens shall rain down upon Thee at any given time of the day or night & despite lack of sleep, food, personal life or caffeine.
Take a nap.
...To cure equine constipation?
Load them in a clean trailer.
. ..To cure equine insomnia?
Take them in a halter class.
...To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back?
Enter them in a liberty class.
...To get a horse to wash their own feet?
Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
...To get a mare to come in heat?
Take her to a show.
...To get a mare in foal the first cover?
Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
...To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted?
Sell her before she foals.
...To get a show horse to set up perfect and really strecth?
Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.
...To induce a cold snap in the weather?
Body clip a horse.
...To make it rain?
Mow a field of hay.
...To make a small fortune in the horse business?
Start with a large one.
1. No foal shall be born until total chaos has been reached by all involved. Your house must be a wreck, your family hungry and desperate for clean clothes, and your social life nonexistent.
2. Midwives must reach the babbling fool status before you foal out. Bloodshot eyes, tangled hair and the inability to form a sentence mean your getting close.
3. For every bell, beeper, camera or whistle they attach to you, foaling must be delayed by at least one day for each item.
4. Vet check, add a day, internal add three. If you hear the words,
"She's nowhere near ready. You'll be fine while I'm away for the weekend," Wait 12 to 16 hours and pop that baby out!
5. Owner stress must be at an all time high! If you are in the care of someone else, ten to fifteen phone calls a day is a sign you're getting close. When you hear the words "I can't take it anymore!" wait three days and produce a foal.
6. You must keep this waiting game interesting. False alarms are necessary! Little teasers such as looking at your stomach, pushing your food around in the bowl and then walking away from it are always good for a rise. Be creative and find new things to do to keep the adrenaline pumping in those who wait.
7. The honor of all horses is now in your hands. Use this time to avenge all of your stable mates. Think about your friend who had to wear that silly costume in front of those people. Hang onto that baby for another day. OH,they made him do tricks too! Three more days seems fair. Late feedings, the dreaded diet, bad haircuts, those awful wormings can also be avenged at this time.
8. If you have fulfilled all of the above and are still not sure when to have this foal, listen to the weather forecast on the radio that has been so generously provided by those who wait. Severe storm warning is what you're waitig for. In the heart of the storm jump into action! The power could go out and you could have the last laugh. You have a good chance of those who wait missing the whole thing while searching for a flashlight that
works!
9. Make the most of your interrupted nights. Beg for food each time someone comes into the stable to check you. Your stable mates will love you as the extra goodies fall their way too.
10. Remember, this code of honor was designed to remind man of how truly special horses are. Do your best to reward those who wait with a beautiful filly to carry on the mare code of honor for the next generation of those who wait!
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience
Let others know when they have invaded your territory
Take naps
Stretch before rising
Run, romp and play daily
Thrive on attention and let people touch you
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body
No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm
Stop when you have had enough
Be loyal
Never pretend to be something you’re not
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and muzzle them gently
And finally, never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.
* I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.
* I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
* I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.
* I will not use the humans' bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
* I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
* My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.
* I will not help myself to Q-tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.
* I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
* As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.
* I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
* I will remember that I am a walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.
* Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
* I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.
* I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!
* I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.
* I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
* If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.
* I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
* I will not knead my male human's groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.
* I will not attempt to stop the human's snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.
* I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human's dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say "Where's my supper!"
* I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human's grandmother is visiting.
* I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
* When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.
* When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
* I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.
Horses view of the world | Horses | Murphy's horse laws | Horse owner's ten commandments | A horsey that bends | Eqine how to | The mare's secret code of honour | If a dog were your teacher | Cat resolutions | You don't really NEED a horse float
Horses View of the World
Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive
tissues of the mouth.
Bucking: counterirritant
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
Hotwalker: The lesser of two evils.
Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture
Horses
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL STORY..............
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave NOW.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to walk around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH faster than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those lions in the woods.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs. of YAHOO-let's-go event horse can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs. of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services, additional".
When you need to learn, just hang around. I'll learn ya! :)
Murphy's horse laws
1. If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.
2. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
3. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
4. The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
5. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
6. Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
7. Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished. Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.
8. If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
9. One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
10. If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes," you will get dirty.
11. You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
12. If a horse is advertised "under 5,000," you can bet he isn't 2,500.
13. The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn.
14. An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.
15. You can't run a barn without baling twine.
16. Hoof picks migrate.
17. Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits.
18. There is no such thing as the "right feed."
19. If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
20. If you're winning, quit.
Horse Owners Ten Commandments
1. THOU shalt put Thy horse's needs before Thine own.2. THOU shalt not criticize Thine farrier whilst she/he works lest Ye be able to duck flying horseshoes.
3. THOU shalt not covet Thy neighbors brand new shiny four horse trailer with deluxe dressing room/kitchenette, awnings, pinstriping and matching extended cab dual tank pickup.
4. THOU shalt not take Thine horse's name in vain when making monthly payments on vet bills.
5. THOU shalt vow to fit into and wear last year’s show outfit, despite
the extra pounds and all the latest hot new styles and colors.
6. THOU shalt place all of Thine child's orthodontia before all new saddles.
7. THOU shalt not call Thy horse "Dogfood!" when he disobeyeth Thy commands.
8. THOU shalt not resist the will of Thine Trainer, lest Ye be cast down among the 2nd and 3rd place winners at the next show.
9. THOU shalt feedeth Thine steed the finest alfalfa mix, 12% sweet extruded feed, costly supplements & Thou shalt rejoyceth over the peanut butter & jelly over the next year.
10.THOU shalt vow to grain, hay, water, blanket, groom, trim, braid, wrap, trailer, medicate, bring in, turn out, catch up, muck out, bed down, foal out & ride despite what ever the Heavens shall rain down upon Thee at any given time of the day or night & despite lack of sleep, food, personal life or caffeine.
A horsey that bends
This goes to the tune of....Oh Lord..won't you buy me a Merecedes BenzOh Lord, won't you buy me
A horsy that bends
My friends all ride warmbloods
I must make amends.
I practice my leg yields
Each evening 'til ten
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horsy that bends.
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that won't buck
I'm tired of trying
To land standing up
I spend all my time
Brushing dirt off my butt
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that won't buck
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that won't bite
I count all my fingers
And toes every night
I feel like a carrot
When I'm in his sight
So oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that won't bite.
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that stays clean
I brush him, I groom him,
I've considered chlorine
His color's too chestnut
For a horse with gray genes
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that stays clean.
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse with some guts
This spooking and shying
is driving me nuts
And while You are at it
Make me less of a klutz
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
a horse with some guts
Oh Lord, won't you give him
some hindquarter drive
This horse is sooo lazy
not sure he's alive
We bend and we circle
'till way, way past five
Oh Lord, won't you give him
some hindquarter drive
Equine how to...Or Things We've Always Known But Never Admitted
...To induce labor in a mare?Take a nap.
...To cure equine constipation?
Load them in a clean trailer.
. ..To cure equine insomnia?
Take them in a halter class.
...To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back?
Enter them in a liberty class.
...To get a horse to wash their own feet?
Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
...To get a mare to come in heat?
Take her to a show.
...To get a mare in foal the first cover?
Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
...To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted?
Sell her before she foals.
...To get a show horse to set up perfect and really strecth?
Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.
...To induce a cold snap in the weather?
Body clip a horse.
...To make it rain?
Mow a field of hay.
...To make a small fortune in the horse business?
Start with a large one.
The mare's secret code of honour
No mare shall ever produce a foal before it's time.(It's time being determined by the following factors):1. No foal shall be born until total chaos has been reached by all involved. Your house must be a wreck, your family hungry and desperate for clean clothes, and your social life nonexistent.
2. Midwives must reach the babbling fool status before you foal out. Bloodshot eyes, tangled hair and the inability to form a sentence mean your getting close.
3. For every bell, beeper, camera or whistle they attach to you, foaling must be delayed by at least one day for each item.
4. Vet check, add a day, internal add three. If you hear the words,
"She's nowhere near ready. You'll be fine while I'm away for the weekend," Wait 12 to 16 hours and pop that baby out!
5. Owner stress must be at an all time high! If you are in the care of someone else, ten to fifteen phone calls a day is a sign you're getting close. When you hear the words "I can't take it anymore!" wait three days and produce a foal.
6. You must keep this waiting game interesting. False alarms are necessary! Little teasers such as looking at your stomach, pushing your food around in the bowl and then walking away from it are always good for a rise. Be creative and find new things to do to keep the adrenaline pumping in those who wait.
7. The honor of all horses is now in your hands. Use this time to avenge all of your stable mates. Think about your friend who had to wear that silly costume in front of those people. Hang onto that baby for another day. OH,they made him do tricks too! Three more days seems fair. Late feedings, the dreaded diet, bad haircuts, those awful wormings can also be avenged at this time.
8. If you have fulfilled all of the above and are still not sure when to have this foal, listen to the weather forecast on the radio that has been so generously provided by those who wait. Severe storm warning is what you're waitig for. In the heart of the storm jump into action! The power could go out and you could have the last laugh. You have a good chance of those who wait missing the whole thing while searching for a flashlight that
works!
9. Make the most of your interrupted nights. Beg for food each time someone comes into the stable to check you. Your stable mates will love you as the extra goodies fall their way too.
10. Remember, this code of honor was designed to remind man of how truly special horses are. Do your best to reward those who wait with a beautiful filly to carry on the mare code of honor for the next generation of those who wait!
If a Dog were Your Teacher
When loved ones come home, always run to greet themNever pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience
Let others know when they have invaded your territory
Take naps
Stretch before rising
Run, romp and play daily
Thrive on attention and let people touch you
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body
No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm
Stop when you have had enough
Be loyal
Never pretend to be something you’re not
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and muzzle them gently
And finally, never trust anyone until you sniff their butt.
Cat Resolutions
* I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.* I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.
* I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
* I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.
* I will not use the humans' bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
* I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
* My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.
* I will not help myself to Q-tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.
* I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
* As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.
* I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
* I will remember that I am a walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.
* Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
* I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.
* I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!
* I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.
* I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
* If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.
* I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
* I will not knead my male human's groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.
* I will not attempt to stop the human's snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.
* I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human's dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say "Where's my supper!"
* I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human's grandmother is visiting.
* I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
* When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.
* When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
* I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.
You don't really NEED a horse float.....
